The Mother Tree

In forests there are ‘mother trees’. These trees reach to the top of the canopy. Their trunks are strong. When the winds come, they are able to sway instead of snap. But the most important part of their job lies underneath their shade. One of their most crucial roles is protecting the baby trees.

Mother trees actually ‘steal’ the majority of the sun from the forest floor. At first glance this seems pretty selfish. Are mother trees racing to the top in order to be the best and get the best? Is there a corporate ladder of the woodlands?

No, the reason mother trees hog all the sunlight is to actually protect the saplings. If the young trees were to receive more sunlight they would grow taller and faster. What’s the problem, right? Well, the tree doesn’t need to grow that fast. If they do, it prevents the trunk from gaining strength. It may grow tall, but it won’t grow strong. A fast growing tree may look impressive at first, but when the winds come, their tall trunk will break. It will most likely not have had a chance to develop deep roots to help keep it stable during the chaos.

While hidden beneath the mother tree’s canopy, the sapling is forced to build strength through slow growth. The darkness that covers them is actually preparing them for their time in the sun and the storm.

We don’t like the dark times. We want to hurry through the pain, but there are things that can only be found during the hidden days. It is because of the very darkest moments that I am able to have the strength to face the unknowns ahead of me. My Mother Tree has protected me by forcing me to sit in the discomfort, loneliness, and darkness. How grateful I am that mother trees don’t sacrifice their own sunlight to bathe the baby trees. They know the damage that would actually cause in the long run.

If you are in a dark day, know that it is strengthening you. If you are a mother tree, desperately wanting to give it all to your sapling, know that sometimes delayed gratification is what turns the acorns into oaks.

We are held. We are seen. We are not alone.

“Hide me in the shadow of Your wings.” Psalm 17:8

Mid-Life Clarity

Maybe what we’ve deemed a crisis could actually become a clarity.

This has been my experience the past year and a half as I began to feel the tug away from the music classroom. I fought it. I tried to force myself to be content within the walls of a confined space, full of ripe potential, joy from hundreds of children, chaotic beautiful cacophonies of sound made by little explorers. I was the one who got to watch the first petals of their bud unfurl. What an honor. What a privilege. So why was I so stir-crazy? Why did I have a constant nagging in my chest that there was something else I was meant to do?

I began to allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could look beyond the comfortable, yet extremely challenging, career that was nearing its halfway mark and find a new adventure. And once I did the crazies creeped in and the beginnings of a crisis ensued.

“What are you doing?”

“Who do you think you are?”

“You should know your place…”

Thoughts started spiraling, uprooting my comfy cozy space. While teaching is never an easy job, I had at least learned where all the sharp turns and sudden stops would be. I knew how to navigate tantrums, angry parents, exhaustion, and ever increasing demands from those who haven’t really been in a classroom in over a decade. Stick with the beast you know, right?

But what if…

What if I allowed myself to just consider maybe leaving my comfort zone?

Could I really leave this place? Not just my wonderful school and faculty, but the world of education? I was a teacher’s kid - all I’ve ever known is a school calendar. Could I survive with year round, more flexible days? Could I become my own boss? At first I told myself it was all a pipe dream. In another life I would have chosen a different pathway out of college. But now, I should keep playing the cards I was dealt and be grateful. I honestly didn’t have anything to complain about. So why was I so discontent? Why all the inner crisis?

How would I feel if I got to year 30 of my career and retired without pursuing what really set my soul aflame? While I love music and I love kids - it’s always been less about the teaching and more about the connection with others. Listening to people as they brave their own chaos and discomfort. Would it be possible to drop all the other and hone in on the main part of my job that’s always been the motivation for me to keep going in every morning?

I can’t say I 100% know the answer to that. I can’t say that since resigning from education things have suddenly all snapped into a fairy tale. There have been plenty of overwhelming moments. I’m still not fully sure if we will meet budget come the fall and trying to balance all of my current five part time jobs has been quite the challenge!

But, I can say that since ever since I stepped out of the comfort and into the crisis - things have been clearer. I’ve felt more like myself than I ever have.

And maybe that is the message for you. I have to believe that during the crazy storm, blinded by the ocean waves, being pelted by rain pummeling sideways, Peter looked out and saw Jesus. I don’t know if he considered staying in the comfortable boat. He knew how to operate that vessel. He was familiar with its nooks and crevices. He knew how to operate and control it even in difficult circumstances. But something (Someone) was calling him outside of his comfort zone. And against his better judgement, regardless of who he was leaving behind, Peter stepped into the crisis of the storm and into the clarity of a Savior waiting. We all know the storm did not stop once Peter started on the water. And when you leave your comfort zone the crisis may even increase as well. But outside the boat, through the crisis, he found something better than comfort. He found clarity reaching out His hand. And for the rest of Peter’s life he never had to wonder what if? He’s one of two people who can ever say “Yeah…I’ve walked on water.” Did he sink? Yup. Did he get pulled back up? Sure did. How bout everyone he left to pursue his calling? They ended up ok, too.

So maybe if you are feeling a little bit of internal crisis, it’s actually a calling to leave your comfort zone. Maybe your clarity is there just waiting through the crisis. It won’t be perfect. You won’t necessarily be in control. It will be messy. But if He’s calling you out, He is there, too. So go ahead, dare to peek out over the edge of your boat. Look past your comfort and know in the middle of your crisis you can find clarity.

Independence

You ever stop at the end of the day and realize you’ve not talked to or thought about God at all? Maybe you’re like me and you assume He is going to ask you to do something out of your own dried up well of resources?

Here’s a truth religion doesn’t often speak. Not one time does He ever ask us to only use our own resources.

He asks us to trust His.

The Israelites in the desert received nourishment from rocks. Not from anything they did or didn’t do.

Adam and Eve were not self sustaining. They were given the garden and animals to tend to and use as nourishment.

In Luke 9, Jesus sent the disciples specifically without basic survival supplies. He told them to depend on others for their needs.

Somewhere along the line Americans have developed a new idol - independence. Self reliance dressed in a false humility of not wanting to bother anyone else and proving we can do it ourselves. Instead of turning to Him and admitting our weakness, we ignore Him, shush His presence and pull ourselves up by the bootstrap to get the job done.

There is this mindset that has dominated us - if I just push myself to the next level, then I will be successful. It’s not the goal setting that is hurting us, it’s the fact that we think we have to do it all with our own strength, energy, resources. If we ever stop and ask for help or just push pause, we are afraid that our whole identity will just power down. We’ll be seen as fake and not really as strong, capable, independent as we thought we were.

Isn’t that the point?

For us to realize that we, in fact, cannot do it all? We do not have the ability to do this life on our own.

When will we truly realize, He doesn’t expect us to? We have nothing to prove to Him, yet we burn all our energy trying to impress and earn our love, protection, security.

There’s something in us that doesn’t want it if we can’t earn it for ourselves. That’s religion’s entrance point, the set of boxes to check. Church attendance, alcohol consumption, dirty mouths, politics, choice of friends, lines crossed on dates - it’s all held up as a litmus test to prove our worth. And its all bull.

Lay it down.

It’s already done. We spend our whole lives running after this value that’s already been given. Digging deep trying to make ourselves more resourceful, more needed, more worthy of just being alive. Proving He didn’t waste His breath on us. And He’s waiting patiently for us to realize that the air we are grasping for to take the next step comes from Him anyway. We don’t have to waste that breath trying to earn something He’s already given.

Stop trying to prove your own independence. Turn around and look into the Eyes. Tell Him your weaknesses, not so He can punish you, but so you can see where you are lacking and how glorious His gift of completion is for you. The point is in the connection. The joining of not enough and glorious abundance.

He doesn’t need you to put bread on the table. He wants you to sit at it and enjoy dining with Him. He’s the meal. He’s the comfort. He’s the peace. He’s the chef. You’re the company. Sit down Martha. He just wants you.

Mental Health Advocacy

It does get better. The fog. The constant pressure on your chest. Feeling as if your life is just always slightly out of focus.

I had a friend tell me these words a few years ago as I suffered with anxiety and panic attacks. I dismissed them away and thought that I would have to just suck it up and deal with it. That I had not gone through enough ‘bad’ stuff to warrant having anxiety.

But something was off.

I had been going to counseling for over a year at this point, but somehow dismissed the idea of actually having a mental issue. Surely I was too emotional, too sensitive. I just needed to ‘get over it,’ right? Wasn’t this exactly what I had been warned would happen? Unhappiness in midlife? Discontent?

My counselor gave me the diagnosis of PTSD. I shrugged her off almost at once, feeling sure she just felt sorry for me somehow. Through many patient sessions she began to explain to me that my brain lies to me. What I thought was true, wasn’t necessarily. Chemicals, wiring, old survival techniques - all of these had made a specific concoction that led to suffocating thoughts of anxiety, worry, fear. The tiptoeing through life waiting for the shoe to drop. I had danced at one point right? I convinced myself these tentative steps must be the next movement.

I eventually went to another therapist in Atlanta that specialized in EMDR, a treatment for PTSD. She recommended taking medicine in addition to the treatment.

Through all of these steps, I have embraced mental health. Our brains are fascinating and we are still learning more and more about their formation and the way they work. It is an ocean of a matter, large parts yet discovered.

There are many freedoms I have found in studying mental health and my own story, but one of the most profound is simply that you are worth fighting for.

There is NO shame in seeking help. This human thing is hard work and none of us get through it alone. If you are feeling you have tried just about everything and have convinced yourself this is just how it has to be, please know there is so much more. Jesus created us to live abundant free lives with Him. This includes physically, spiritually and mentally.

You are not alone and there are so many people who care about your complete self.

Reach out.

Get help.

You’re worth it.

Unveiled

There are times I still get caught up in thinking the point of all of this is for me to not mess up, to not need Him. To be so self sufficient that I can be at His beckon call at a moment’s notice.

I’ve gotten it backwards.

I’ve tried to be the god for God.

How messed up is that?

I continually seem surprised when I either fail at something or *gasp* have needs of my own. How dare I?!

The guilt of wanting to spend money on something that’s not an absolute necessity.

The heavy guilt of stepping on the scale.

The quiet guilt of wanting just another hour to myself.

The rage of wanting to do something, but not wanting to do anything.

I set the day with good intentions. I was aware of this angst before even getting out of the bed. Determined to set it straight, I journaled through it, but the strain on my chest never left. Pushing me down and then yelling at me to get up. Do you ever feel that?

I felt Him tap me on the shoulder throughout the day.

I ignored it. I didn’t want to go to Him. I didn’t have time to be His ‘god.’ How did I become so arrogant?

I didn’t have it in me to give Him anything. I was angry with no good reason why. I was bored. I was selfish, unmotivated, uninspired. I couldn’t even find the motivation to clean up my kitchen, let alone the massive piles of dirt in my heart. Like He needs me to tidy up before He comes in.

He doesn’t need us.

He wants us.

…

He didn’t stop whispering to me.

He never left.

He comes to give life abundantly

Because HE is the God to me, not the other way around. It is not on me to save the world.

He threw a spotlight on my daughter’s devotional before tucking her in. I was tired and just wanted to go back to bed, but I picked it up and turned to today’s date. “I Will Shelter You” was written at the top of the page. I really didn’t want to hear the word shelter again. Shelter in place had me melting into the crevices of my mattress. I read on…

“Your regular routine is messed up…You’re not sure what is expected of you…”

Yes. That.

How can I measure myself up against my own standards of “godliness,” how can I check off all I’ve done for Him to make Him happy if there are no parameters to anything anymore?

Maybe this time without parameters is to show me that they don’t really matter anyway. My productivity, my weight, my bank account. Those things cannot measure me up to Him. When they all halt and all that’s left is vulnerable bareness, what then? How is worth found there?

It’s not.

He doesn’t need me to check off a list for Him. He’s not ringing a bell, tapping His foot, waiting on me to come do His bidding.

I read the suggested scripture for the devotional, Psalm 61:2. It’s one I’ve read many times before, but, like always, it spoke differently to me. “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.”

I’ve spent so much time on my own rock expecting it to stabilize and prove me. David reminds me that I need the rock that is higher than me.

For the 32345 time, the Lord showed me that I am not expected to do it on my own. Even if He expected me to, wanted me to…I cannot save myself. I will never be good enough. I will never complete Him and it’s not my job to do so.

Today I couldn’t find it in me. To be the mom, the wife, the friend. All the things I said I would do in the morning left unchecked at bedtime.

I scrambled around as a hungry chicken pecking for seeds, looking for the one thing to complete me, to make me feel as if I had earned another day on this planet. I sought comfort, material things, feelings, affirmation of others, food, none of it worked. Because it’s not supposed to.

Those things are not a pathway to worth. They are what’s scattered among the worthy pathway. I’m already walking on it. With Him. I don’t have to earn rest. I don’t have to earn getting my needs met. I don’t have to earn a little splurge from time to time.

The last passage of suggested reading - 2 Corinthians 3:17-18:

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

We are not hidden from Him. Our veil is off. The times when we just can’t get back in step don’t leave us out of step with Him. It’s not something we have to ‘fix’ before we can have relationship with Him. When we try to settle our hearts on our own, we end up creating a vicious cycle for ourselves.

Look for something to fulfill a need - it doesn’t work - feel guilt, anger, shame - go to something else to deal with those feelings - all the while beating ourselves up for not feeling presentable to the Lord.

It’s a vicious cycle.

And it will only end when we finally go to the rock that is higher than anything else we are depending on.

To me, seven years ago

*Written on February 2, 2020

I see you. On the floor of the tucked away emergency waiting room. Alone with a stranger giving you THE most altering news of your life. You fought it. Not wanting to accept it, process it, because who would you even be now? How would you be?

Her death was not just a death of a person, she had become a life line for you - your oxygen, your sight, your decision maker. She died, but you were the one unplugged from your life support. I know it feels like you, yourself are dying, but dear one, brave one - you are just being born.

The next seven years will grow you and shape you like none other in your life. You will learn how to make your own decisions. You will find out what you desire. Along the way you’ll learn how to voice your own needs and accept it’s ok to have them. You’ll learn how to ask for help from others and how to do it on your own as well. You’ll learn the value of a shut door both physically and with opportunities.

I know you are in pieces on the floor wondering what tomorrow will hold, but there are so many great things in store for you.

Like boundaries. You’ll learn that you don’t have to pour yourself out for every single person all of the time. You’ll appreciate time alone, in fact you’ll crave it and take it unashamedly.

You will fall more in love with Jesus than you ever thought possible. You’ll relearn Him and the Father. Holy Spirit will become a continuous part of you, guiding you.

You will learn that you have your own way of seeing this beautiful world. A way that may not have ever come to be if you were still breathing her air. You will see the freedom in not needing validation day after day after day. You will come to see that though your parents are now both gone, you are more claimed than ever before and not just for anything that you do or don’t do. Just because - He wants you. He wants to hear your voice. He wants your big feelings - all of them. The jumpiest of happy to the snottiest of sad. Even the cusses of the angry. Yup. He wants in on that and there will be nothing that you can do that will ever make Him go away or change His mind about you.

You will learn that though you weren’t planned by your parents, you were planned by Him and you have a purpose greater than simply trying to prove that you belong. You don’t have to earn your keep. You don’t have to do anything for anyone else to make it ok that you were born. You don’t have to apologize for taking up space.

Brave one, it is ok for you to rock the boat. It is ok for you to go your own way.

So while you are spinning on the cold hospital floor right now and you want to do nothing but choke the doctor who just turned your whole world upside down, know that you will be more than ok. You will learn how to hold both - the grief and the joy. You will miss her, but in losing her you will find yourself.

That woman is brave. Bold. Unashamed. Relentless in letting others know they are seen as they are.

The woman inside you belongs - even without being someone’s hero. She belongs. Just to rest. Just to voice her own opinion. To share what He discloses to her.

She learns to love trees, avocados, and wine. She learns how to teach her children boundaries and her husband how to feel. She learns how to be angry and how not to be afraid of it.

The big fear of things not being what they seem will come true in so many ways and she’ll learn that the truth really does set you free.

You are broken right now, and that is ok. Your cocoon is breaking and it hurts. All you’ve known is changing, upended, unknown, but life abundantly shows up on the other side. Your wings are getting ready to unfurl. You will fly His glory for others to see.

Psalm 23 - Paraphrased

 El Roi, You see me!

That’s all I need.

You’ve led me to Your sofa.

You’ve calmed my stream of worries.

You’ve restarted my soul.

You show me each next step towards Your glory.     

     Even when the lights go out, I do not fear the unknowns.

You are still there...WITH me.

Your song and Your faithfulness comfort me.

     You stand me tall with a crown on my head in front of my inner naysayers.

“You are enough. You are enough. You are enough.” You serenade over me.

     Your cheers and encouragement call out to me; always have, always will. And I will never have to earn my place     

          with You

               I’m home.