Maybe what we’ve deemed a crisis could actually become a clarity.
This has been my experience the past year and a half as I began to feel the tug away from the music classroom. I fought it. I tried to force myself to be content within the walls of a confined space, full of ripe potential, joy from hundreds of children, chaotic beautiful cacophonies of sound made by little explorers. I was the one who got to watch the first petals of their bud unfurl. What an honor. What a privilege. So why was I so stir-crazy? Why did I have a constant nagging in my chest that there was something else I was meant to do?
I began to allow myself to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could look beyond the comfortable, yet extremely challenging, career that was nearing its halfway mark and find a new adventure. And once I did the crazies creeped in and the beginnings of a crisis ensued.
“What are you doing?”
“Who do you think you are?”
“You should know your place…”
Thoughts started spiraling, uprooting my comfy cozy space. While teaching is never an easy job, I had at least learned where all the sharp turns and sudden stops would be. I knew how to navigate tantrums, angry parents, exhaustion, and ever increasing demands from those who haven’t really been in a classroom in over a decade. Stick with the beast you know, right?
But what if…
What if I allowed myself to just consider maybe leaving my comfort zone?
Could I really leave this place? Not just my wonderful school and faculty, but the world of education? I was a teacher’s kid - all I’ve ever known is a school calendar. Could I survive with year round, more flexible days? Could I become my own boss? At first I told myself it was all a pipe dream. In another life I would have chosen a different pathway out of college. But now, I should keep playing the cards I was dealt and be grateful. I honestly didn’t have anything to complain about. So why was I so discontent? Why all the inner crisis?
How would I feel if I got to year 30 of my career and retired without pursuing what really set my soul aflame? While I love music and I love kids - it’s always been less about the teaching and more about the connection with others. Listening to people as they brave their own chaos and discomfort. Would it be possible to drop all the other and hone in on the main part of my job that’s always been the motivation for me to keep going in every morning?
I can’t say I 100% know the answer to that. I can’t say that since resigning from education things have suddenly all snapped into a fairy tale. There have been plenty of overwhelming moments. I’m still not fully sure if we will meet budget come the fall and trying to balance all of my current five part time jobs has been quite the challenge!
But, I can say that since ever since I stepped out of the comfort and into the crisis - things have been clearer. I’ve felt more like myself than I ever have.
And maybe that is the message for you. I have to believe that during the crazy storm, blinded by the ocean waves, being pelted by rain pummeling sideways, Peter looked out and saw Jesus. I don’t know if he considered staying in the comfortable boat. He knew how to operate that vessel. He was familiar with its nooks and crevices. He knew how to operate and control it even in difficult circumstances. But something (Someone) was calling him outside of his comfort zone. And against his better judgement, regardless of who he was leaving behind, Peter stepped into the crisis of the storm and into the clarity of a Savior waiting. We all know the storm did not stop once Peter started on the water. And when you leave your comfort zone the crisis may even increase as well. But outside the boat, through the crisis, he found something better than comfort. He found clarity reaching out His hand. And for the rest of Peter’s life he never had to wonder what if? He’s one of two people who can ever say “Yeah…I’ve walked on water.” Did he sink? Yup. Did he get pulled back up? Sure did. How bout everyone he left to pursue his calling? They ended up ok, too.
So maybe if you are feeling a little bit of internal crisis, it’s actually a calling to leave your comfort zone. Maybe your clarity is there just waiting through the crisis. It won’t be perfect. You won’t necessarily be in control. It will be messy. But if He’s calling you out, He is there, too. So go ahead, dare to peek out over the edge of your boat. Look past your comfort and know in the middle of your crisis you can find clarity.