There are times I still get caught up in thinking the point of all of this is for me to not mess up, to not need Him. To be so self sufficient that I can be at His beckon call at a moment’s notice.

I’ve gotten it backwards.

I’ve tried to be the god for God.

How messed up is that?

I continually seem surprised when I either fail at something or *gasp* have needs of my own. How dare I?!

The guilt of wanting to spend money on something that’s not an absolute necessity.

The heavy guilt of stepping on the scale.

The quiet guilt of wanting just another hour to myself.

The rage of wanting to do something, but not wanting to do anything.

I set the day with good intentions. I was aware of this angst before even getting out of the bed. Determined to set it straight, I journaled through it, but the strain on my chest never left. Pushing me down and then yelling at me to get up. Do you ever feel that?

I felt Him tap me on the shoulder throughout the day.

I ignored it. I didn’t want to go to Him. I didn’t have time to be His ‘god.’ How did I become so arrogant?

I didn’t have it in me to give Him anything. I was angry with no good reason why. I was bored. I was selfish, unmotivated, uninspired. I couldn’t even find the motivation to clean up my kitchen, let alone the massive piles of dirt in my heart. Like He needs me to tidy up before He comes in.

He doesn’t need us.

He wants us.

…

He didn’t stop whispering to me.

He never left.

He comes to give life abundantly

Because HE is the God to me, not the other way around. It is not on me to save the world.

He threw a spotlight on my daughter’s devotional before tucking her in. I was tired and just wanted to go back to bed, but I picked it up and turned to today’s date. “I Will Shelter You” was written at the top of the page. I really didn’t want to hear the word shelter again. Shelter in place had me melting into the crevices of my mattress. I read on…

“Your regular routine is messed up…You’re not sure what is expected of you…”

Yes. That.

How can I measure myself up against my own standards of “godliness,” how can I check off all I’ve done for Him to make Him happy if there are no parameters to anything anymore?

Maybe this time without parameters is to show me that they don’t really matter anyway. My productivity, my weight, my bank account. Those things cannot measure me up to Him. When they all halt and all that’s left is vulnerable bareness, what then? How is worth found there?

It’s not.

He doesn’t need me to check off a list for Him. He’s not ringing a bell, tapping His foot, waiting on me to come do His bidding.

I read the suggested scripture for the devotional, Psalm 61:2. It’s one I’ve read many times before, but, like always, it spoke differently to me. “Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For You have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.”

I’ve spent so much time on my own rock expecting it to stabilize and prove me. David reminds me that I need the rock that is higher than me.

For the 32345 time, the Lord showed me that I am not expected to do it on my own. Even if He expected me to, wanted me to…I cannot save myself. I will never be good enough. I will never complete Him and it’s not my job to do so.

Today I couldn’t find it in me. To be the mom, the wife, the friend. All the things I said I would do in the morning left unchecked at bedtime.

I scrambled around as a hungry chicken pecking for seeds, looking for the one thing to complete me, to make me feel as if I had earned another day on this planet. I sought comfort, material things, feelings, affirmation of others, food, none of it worked. Because it’s not supposed to.

Those things are not a pathway to worth. They are what’s scattered among the worthy pathway. I’m already walking on it. With Him. I don’t have to earn rest. I don’t have to earn getting my needs met. I don’t have to earn a little splurge from time to time.

The last passage of suggested reading - 2 Corinthians 3:17-18:

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into His image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”

We are not hidden from Him. Our veil is off. The times when we just can’t get back in step don’t leave us out of step with Him. It’s not something we have to ‘fix’ before we can have relationship with Him. When we try to settle our hearts on our own, we end up creating a vicious cycle for ourselves.

Look for something to fulfill a need - it doesn’t work - feel guilt, anger, shame - go to something else to deal with those feelings - all the while beating ourselves up for not feeling presentable to the Lord.

It’s a vicious cycle.

And it will only end when we finally go to the rock that is higher than anything else we are depending on.