*Written on February 2, 2020

I see you. On the floor of the tucked away emergency waiting room. Alone with a stranger giving you THE most altering news of your life. You fought it. Not wanting to accept it, process it, because who would you even be now? How would you be?

Her death was not just a death of a person, she had become a life line for you - your oxygen, your sight, your decision maker. She died, but you were the one unplugged from your life support. I know it feels like you, yourself are dying, but dear one, brave one - you are just being born.

The next seven years will grow you and shape you like none other in your life. You will learn how to make your own decisions. You will find out what you desire. Along the way you’ll learn how to voice your own needs and accept it’s ok to have them. You’ll learn how to ask for help from others and how to do it on your own as well. You’ll learn the value of a shut door both physically and with opportunities.

I know you are in pieces on the floor wondering what tomorrow will hold, but there are so many great things in store for you.

Like boundaries. You’ll learn that you don’t have to pour yourself out for every single person all of the time. You’ll appreciate time alone, in fact you’ll crave it and take it unashamedly.

You will fall more in love with Jesus than you ever thought possible. You’ll relearn Him and the Father. Holy Spirit will become a continuous part of you, guiding you.

You will learn that you have your own way of seeing this beautiful world. A way that may not have ever come to be if you were still breathing her air. You will see the freedom in not needing validation day after day after day. You will come to see that though your parents are now both gone, you are more claimed than ever before and not just for anything that you do or don’t do. Just because - He wants you. He wants to hear your voice. He wants your big feelings - all of them. The jumpiest of happy to the snottiest of sad. Even the cusses of the angry. Yup. He wants in on that and there will be nothing that you can do that will ever make Him go away or change His mind about you.

You will learn that though you weren’t planned by your parents, you were planned by Him and you have a purpose greater than simply trying to prove that you belong. You don’t have to earn your keep. You don’t have to do anything for anyone else to make it ok that you were born. You don’t have to apologize for taking up space.

Brave one, it is ok for you to rock the boat. It is ok for you to go your own way.

So while you are spinning on the cold hospital floor right now and you want to do nothing but choke the doctor who just turned your whole world upside down, know that you will be more than ok. You will learn how to hold both - the grief and the joy. You will miss her, but in losing her you will find yourself.

That woman is brave. Bold. Unashamed. Relentless in letting others know they are seen as they are.

The woman inside you belongs - even without being someone’s hero. She belongs. Just to rest. Just to voice her own opinion. To share what He discloses to her.

She learns to love trees, avocados, and wine. She learns how to teach her children boundaries and her husband how to feel. She learns how to be angry and how not to be afraid of it.

The big fear of things not being what they seem will come true in so many ways and she’ll learn that the truth really does set you free.

You are broken right now, and that is ok. Your cocoon is breaking and it hurts. All you’ve known is changing, upended, unknown, but life abundantly shows up on the other side. Your wings are getting ready to unfurl. You will fly His glory for others to see.